


Not a Kiss Nor Look Be Lost

by escribo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-11
Updated: 2012-12-11
Packaged: 2017-11-20 20:40:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/589417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escribo/pseuds/escribo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is technically free but trapped in his hated childhood home. Luckily, Remus helps him to find a different kind of liberty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a Kiss Nor Look Be Lost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lyras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyras/gifts).



> Title and inspiration from Auden's "Lay your sleeping head, my love"

****

September 1

Once the Hogwarts Express had steamed its way out of sight, Padfoot sighed heavily and laid down on the hard tiled floor with his chin resting between his paws. Behind him he could hear the sound of voices mixed with loud pops of apparition as the few people left on the platform began to leave. He dreaded returning to Grimmauld Place and, following the line of the tracks with his eyes, he thought about running away again. Without Harry and the other children there, he knew he'd be alone again, with nothing to look forward to except the lecture he was sure to get from Dumbledore and the rare visit from Remus or his cousin to break up his days. He sighed again when he heard steps moving closer to him and heard Arthur call for Molly.

"I suppose we should go, too," Arthur said.

"You'll have to take him," Sirius heard Molly answer softly and knew she was talking about him. "I'm not even sure I can get myself back."

He hadn't thought about this part, about getting home, about not being allowed to just go on his own now that Harry wasn't there to protect. He turned his head to look hopefully at Tonks, who might have enjoyed a walk back rather than apparition, but found she was already gone along with Moody. Instead, he turned his eyes to Remus, who was standing very near him with a strange expression on his face, half fond and half exasperated. It was one he was familiar with even if he hadn't seen it since James was still alive to be on the receiving end of it along with Sirius. 

"I'll take him," Remus said as he squatted down next to Sirius and petted his head gently, his long fingers burying into the thick, silky fur to scratch behind his ears. Sirius was surprised but still leaned into the touch. He'd half expected a lecture from Remus as well, for being what everyone else described as reckless. He certainly hadn't expected walkies.

"He should go straight home. He'll be in enough trouble with Dumbledore as it is."

"They had a theory about that, Sirius and James," Remus said, his expression still affectionate as he cupped Padfoot's face. "If they were already in trouble, a bit more couldn't hurt."

Padfoot sat up and offered his heavy paw to Remus, who shook it gravely before he grinned. 

"Except--"

"We'll be along shortly," Remus said, still smiling as he turned to face the twin worried looks that Molly and Arthur were giving them both. "I'll even bring dinner back."

Remus gave Sirius' head one last pat before he waved cheerily at the Weasleys and headed back through the divider and through the station, Padfoot following along with less energy than he'd had on the way there when he'd had Harry to entertain. Still, the twenty minute walk back to Grimmauld Place from King's Cross Station took way longer than it should have even with the stop for take away. Remus seemed willing to take the long way through the city, his pace slow, and Sirius loped along next to him, enjoying the late afternoon sun and woofing quietly when he spotted some pigeons near the entrance to the park they had to pass through. By the time they got home, Sirius had mostly managed to forget he would be in trouble as he stretched back into his human form as soon as Remus opened the door.

"Thanks," Sirius said, hooking his fingers into the crook of Remus' arm to keep him from moving away. "I know I shouldn't have gone but--"

"It's all right, Sirius. I expected it of you" 

"And you didn't try to stop me."

"You're a grown man."

Sirius nodded and let him go, feeling distinctly at odds with what Remus had said. It didn't feel like that sometimes, that he was grown. It was hard to wrap his mind around being in his thirties, having spent the last twelve birthdays locked away some place where birthdays hadn't mattered. He watched Remus walk quietly past the drawn curtains of his mother's portrait, careful not to disturb it, as he finally made his way down the hall with their dinner before Sirius followed along. 

In the kitchen, he grabbed a stack of plates and began to set the table for the four of them as Molly and Remus opened the containers one-by-one, the rich, tangy smell of sweet and sour chicken and fried rice filling the space. Once he was done, he sat and fiddled with a pair of chop sticks, trying to remember how they worked, as Molly went to find Arthur before they ate without him. 

It was odd to see Remus all grown up as well, and Sirius studied him quietly as Remus rummaged through the messy drawers for a bottle-opener. He was slightly taller though not by much from before when they'd both been twenty-one. He was definitely thinner, more careworn, though no less handsome in Sirius' opinion than he'd been back then. In fact, in some ways, Sirius liked him better the way he was now. His hair, shot through with gray, still curled over the collar of his shirt and the tips of his ears, and the fine lines around his eyes and mouth had deepened slightly but did nothing to obscure the dimple in his left cheek when he grinned. It'd been strange to see him for the first time nearly two years ago because Sirius, when he had allowed himself the thought at all, had always remembered Remus as he'd been as a boy with bright eyes and a slow, shy smile. Even earlier that summer when he had gone to Remus' cottage at Dumbledore's request or since they'd come to Grimmauld Place, there'd been little time for this--to study his friend and remember or discover what was new.

Remus, Sirius suddenly realized, seemed to sense it as well. He was holding quite still under Sirius' scrutiny, his arms at his sides where he was holding the wine in one hand and the bottle opener in the other. Sirius drew his eyes slowly over the long, lean lines of Remus' body, his threadbare clothes. There was a small (and new) half-moon scar on his wrist, visible where he had rolled his shirtsleeve nearly to his elbows, and the sharp, almost fragile bones that made up his clavicle showed prominently through the open collar of his shirt. His lips were red and chapped, caught between his teeth where he worried at the lower one in a familiar habit. He was nervous, afraid for Sirius to see him so clearly, and it showed in his eyes and the faint blush across his cheeks. 

"Molly and Arthur are leaving tonight," Remus said after another minute that stretched between them. 

His voice was different, too, than Sirius remembered. He'd grown used to it over the past few months but for some reason the sound of it now was strange yet pleasing at the same time. It took Sirius a moment to catch up with what he had said, and then he sat back in his chair, surprised.

"Is it safe?" He asked, and Remus shrugged.

"Tonks and I have reinforced the wards and Bill will be staying with them, so safe enough they think."

"Oh." Sirius couldn't think of what else to say to that and blinked down at his empty plate. He wanted to ask if that meant that Remus would leave soon, too, and if so, then where he would go. If he, too, would be safe. If he'd still come to visit. He couldn't bring himself to say a word and Remus rushed on to fill the silence. 

"I thought maybe, if you wouldn't mind--" He didn't finish his sentence though as Molly and Arthur came through the door, talking over each other and then to Remus and Sirius both as she waved an owl from Ginny to say the children had arrived safely. It was a rather cheerful dinner after that, the relief and the wine making Sirius quite chatty as he shared stories from his--their--days at Hogwarts, and listened to Molly and Arthur's in return. It was late when the Weasleys finally left, and easier to suggest that it was too late for Remus to go, too, and Remus agreed, falling asleep on the couch in the library long after midnight, where Sirius left him warm by the fire.

 

****

October 31

From the window of his bedroom, Sirius watched the long stretch of road in front of Grimmauld Place where it was lit by streetlamps and cars slowly disappearing into the distance. The trees were shedding their leaves, swirling in bright gold and red eddies in the strengthening storm. It would rain soon, Sirius could feel, and he settled deeper beneath the blanket wrapped around his shoulders as he waited it out. 

This place had been the only thing he liked about the house, and night often found him curled there with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes, half obscured by the heavy velvet drapes that had served so well to keep him hidden from his mother when he was young. That night, there was the curious sight of muggle children dressed in costume as they went from house to house in a strange imported custom that Tonks had tried to explain to him over their dinner. She'd demonstrated some of the masks she'd seen on her way over, nearly straining herself in an effort to make him laugh. In the end, he'd managed something that resembled enough like good cheer to satisfy her and she left with a kiss to his cheek and a promise to return in a few days. 

Now he was alone with his memories, his mind bowing away from the thought of James and Lily's last moments. Earlier in the day he had thought of owling Remus to invite him over but hesitated long enough until it was too late. There was too much to do, he knew, and Remus was much too busy--much too important to the mission, to spend his nights babysitting his maudlin friend. It was bad enough that Sirius knew Remus would have come--would come--without question and without delay. It'd happened many times over the last two months--too many--when Sirius hadn't been able to stand it anymore and had finally begged Remus to come. Lately, he hadn't even had to ask before Remus would show up with dinner and conversation. To be fair--to be honest--Tonks and Kingsley often dropped by to keep him company, too, but it wasn't the same. It was Remus he thought of. It was Remus he wanted. And then, as if he'd conjured him, Remus was there.

"Thought I'd find you up here."

Sirius didn't turn at the sound of Remus' voice but he sagged his forehead against the window, relieved. "I didn't expect you back until next week."

"I thought maybe we'd both spent this day alone for long enough."

"I'm sorry," Sirius spilled out, twisting in his seat but Remus stopped him before he could say anything else.

"Don't." Remus slid his hand over Sirius' shoulder, squeezing it once, before he sat next to him on the window seat. "I didn't mean it like that. We both-- I didn't mean it like that."

"I'm sorry," he repeated, turning away to look back out the window. There was a lone car crawling its way up the street and he waited until its tail lights blinked out of sight before he spoke again. "I was there that night. After. I found them, and I knew what Peter had done to them, to us all. I couldn't think."

Remus stroked his hand down Sirius' arm, took the half empty bottle from his fingers and took a long draught before setting it at his feet. He looked at Sirius as if taking his measure, and Sirius realized that he was gathering his courage to say something. "Remus, I--"

"I was in Glasgow, at a Rolling Stones concert."

That, at least, was enough to jolt Sirius, and he sat up straight, studying Remus with narrowed eyes to see if it was a joke.

"James had tickets that he didn't want to go to waste." Remus shook his head and gave a short, mirthless laugh. "He'd bought them months before he knew they'd have to go into hiding and then gave them to me. In the middle of a war, he wasn't willing to miss out on the Stones. I was going to sell them--I suspect that's what he meant for me to do with them--but then I was so angry with you and so tired of the war that I went and just pretended that everything was all right for one night. It seems really stupid now."

"I had such a crush on Mick Jagger."

"I knew. That was half the-- I knew you'd be so angry when you found out. I couldn't wait to have a laugh over it. After everything, I really thought we would--" Remus stopped and swallowed hard.

"James must have thought it was a good joke. He loved it when you'd wind me up."

"I didn't know until late the next day because I was hungover and overslept. It was over by then. Harry was gone and you were--" Remus shook his head again before he exhaled deeply and twisted to look out the window just as the rain began to tap against the pane. "If I had stayed in London like I was supposed to. If I had--"

"Stop. It was Peter's fault--Peter's betrayal. You might have ended up dead as well and I can't-- I'm glad you're here." Sirius tugged Remus once, twice, until he could pull Remus' head to rest on his shoulder, and Remus went, sighing when Sirius curled his cool palm to cover Remus' eyes, holding him still and steady. "I miss them so much," he whispered against Remus' hair. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too. Even when I thought I shouldn't, I did. I couldn't help it," Remus whispered back, closing his hand over Sirius' as he curled closer into Sirius' arms. "Do you want-- We could go visit their graves."

"Do you think we should?"

"No. It wouldn't be safe. Dumbledore would turn me into a kneazle if he knew I had even suggested it." Remus lifted his head, pulling Sirius' hand from his eyes but holding on, threading their fingers together as he continued to whisper. "But we could go if you wanted. I would take you."

They were so close that Remus' warm breath coasted across his face, smelling of the wine. His eyes were glassy bright as he stared steadily at Sirius, waiting for his answer. Sirius just shook his head, wanting to go but not now. He wasn't sure he could bear it--he wasn't sure either one of them could, not tonight. It was enough that they were together.

"I can't believe you're the one being cautious."

"I'm sure it's temporary," Sirius said, pressing the tip of his thumb against the corner of Remus' lips. He could see the relief in Remus' eyes, and something else--something he used to see in the Shrieking Shack when Remus would look to his friends in the moments before he would shake apart. He pulled Remus into his arms more fully, holding him tight. 

"We'll go next year, when all this is over, for good this time," Sirius said into Remus' hair and felt him nod. "We can go together and take Harry with us."

"Yeah, all right," Remus answered with a voice that sounded thick and wet, and Sirius tugged him even closer.

They were both quiet for a long time. Remus leaned heavily against Sirius, his head pillowed on Sirius' shoulder as he wound his arms around Sirius' waist, and Sirius held him like he had always wanted to do when they were younger but had never had the courage to try. He felt good, warm and solid, and Sirius never wanted to let go. "I can't believe you saw Mick Jagger without me."

Remus shook with silent laughter, his face pressing into Sirius' neck, and that felt good, too. 

 

****

nearly Christmas

It'd taken ages for everyone to leave after the last Order meeting they'd have before the children came home for the holidays. Moody had lingered over his coffee whilst watching Sirius steadily with his good eye, ever suspicious, though now he simply seemed to be working out the riddle of Sirius' silence every time Severus had needled him. There was no mystery to it, not really, though Sirius certainly liked keeping this particular secret to himself. He was happy, _truly_ happy for the first time since--since before.

Across the table, Remus sat back in his chair, relaxed with the remaining company and the wine they'd had with dinner. His lips were stained red and tipped up into a slow, shy smile while he, too, steadily watched Sirius, though Sirius imagined his thoughts were a long way off from Moody's. Remus didn't even seem to notice that Tonks was leaning heavily into his side as she regaled Kingsley with an impossible tale about trying to recruit Meriweather Healthiwhilst for the Order. He laughed in all the right places, Sirius following behind but just a second too late, too interested in the faint sprinkling of freckles along the bridge of Remus' nose and the hollow of his throat that still held a tiny mark from the last time they'd been together. Beneath the table, Sirius stretched out his long legs out to tangle them with Remus', and next to him, Moody hrumphed once, nodded, and banged his fist on the table, startling Kingsley and Tonks.

"There's work to be done tomorrow," he announced to the room at large, interrupting Tonks' particularly accurate impression of Meriweather's mother, and her gray hair faded back to the bubblegum pink she'd been sporting earlier. "We should go. Except-- I'll meet you here in the morning, shall I, Lupin?"

Neither Sirius nor Remus bothered to get up when Moody finally set down his empty cup and shambled from the room with one last look in their direction. When they heard the front door click behind Moody and they were finally alone, Sirius stretched his hand across the table and drew his fingertips over the back of Remus' where it rested on his coffee cup.

"Hi," he whispered, as if it were a secret. Something warm unfurled in his chest when Remus' smile widened and he laughed breathlessly. "Moody thinks you should stay."

"Not exactly subtle there." 

"He was going to figure it out anyway."

"I suppose."

"Do you mind?"

Remus shook his head. His eyes were bright in the soft lamplight as he laced their fingers together, his thumb sweeping across Sirius' palm. "I'll have to leave early. Apparently, there's work to be done."

The sharp crack of Apparition startled them apart as Tonks reappeared in the kitchen and they realized Grimmauld Place hadn't been as deserted as they'd thought. Sirius stood quickly, nearly upsetting his chair, and only caught every third word that Tonks said, enough to know she'd been up with Buckbeak and her _really, Sirius, you ought to muck out his room tomorrow_ had Remus grinning back into his coffee cup. Sirius abruptly sat back into his chair and leaned forward with his elbows on the table to hide the affect that smile was having on him.

"In the morning, Tonks, I promise," Sirius bit out. He glanced at Remus and then away again, too distracted by the desire to just have him alone, to trace his tongue over the marks he'd made and to make new ones. He shivered, leaning back into his seat and curling his hands into fists to keep from reaching out for Remus again.

"I'll just be off then, shall I?" Tonks looked from Sirius to Remus and then back again when they didn't answer, her eyes narrowing. "Is there-- Am I interrupting something?"

"Like what?" Sirius asked, going for nonchalance and missing it by a mile. He drew his hand slowly over his mouth, cursing Remus' ability to hide what he was feeling from all except Sirius, who could cipher the tease for what it was in the curious tilt of Remus' head.

"Like, I dunno. _Something._ I am, aren't I? Never mind. I'm _leaving_ but I'm bringing you coffee and those little pastry things you like in the morning, Sirius, so you know you'll just tell me then."

"Out." Sirius pointed toward the door, trying to sound stern, but he still caught the motion from the corner of his eyes when Remus leaned forward suddenly to bury his face into his outstretched arm, his shoulders shaking with laughter. Sirius swung around to point at him instead once Tonks had left while saying _I'm going, I'm going,_ her hands held up in mock defense as she backed from the room. "And as for you--"

Remus looked up, his eyes still sparkling as he curled his hand around Sirius' wrist and tugged just hard enough to bring Sirius closer, so that he could close his lips over Sirius' finger, his cheeks hollowing out as he sucked gently. He only let go when Sirius was panting, his vision glazing over just a bit, just enough to narrow his focus and make him forget whatever biting remark he'd been about to say.

"Bedroom?" Sirius asked instead and Remus nodded.

The first time they had done this, it had been like a revelation, and Sirius had nearly wept with how good it felt--how good Remus felt. How good it always felt. Sirius dug his fingers into Remus' hip, and Remus gasped beneath him at the change in the angle. His whole body flushed, his skin slick beneath Sirius' hands. 

"You feel amazing," he whispered, nipping at Remus' earlobe. "So fucking tight."

Remus groaned, reaching his arm back, leaning against Sirius' chest, more fully into his arms, pulling Sirius closer and Sirius went, pushing in that much deeper. He mouthed at Remus' shoulder, grazed his teeth along Remus' neck, tasting him. Sirius' body sparked alive with each shallow thrust and he wanted to come but there was something incredible about drawing it out, about waiting. 

Sirius smoothed his hand down Remus' arm and brought their joined hands down to Remus' cock as he pushed in deep and Remus keened beneath him. When he came, it was with Sirius's name spilling from his mouth, the sound thrilling enough to force Sirius' release moments later.

They remain joined together, Sirius supporting Remus' weight for as long as it took to get their breath back before Sirius pulled out as gently as he could. Remus slid to his side, still breathing heavily, huffing out what sounded like a laugh--as if he couldn't hold it in, as if the joy was too much, and Sirius agreed. 

Sirius padded to the bathroom for a flannel and cleaned them both up before crawling back onto the bed to settle himself tight against Remus' side, to tangle their legs together. He rested his head on the pillow next to Remus and drew his hand low over Remus' stomach, watching as Remus laughed again breathlessly, scrubbing his face with his hands

"Hey, are you all right?" Sirius asked, tugging at Remus' wrist.

"Yeah. It's just--" Remus began and then stopped, staring up at the velvet drapery of the canopy.

"Just what?"

"Incredible," Remus breathed out and laughed again, turning to look at Sirius again. He pushed his fingers through Sirius' shaggy hair, traced the curves of his face. "You're incredible."

"A skinny ex-con?"

"Werewolves are notoriously fond of skinny ex-con's."

"I was worried."

"What about?"

"I wanted you to love me."

"I've always loved you, since we were eleven and you hexed Mulciber when he set fire to my book bag."

"I wish I'd known."

Remus tugged Sirius up, kissed him, settled them both onto their sides, their arms wrapped tight around each other. The sweat was drying on Sirius skin and he shivered slightly, nuzzled against Remus as he pulled the duvet to cover them both. 

" _Time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once,_ " Remus said after a while. "I read that somewhere. I think it's true."

"I wasn't ready then."

"Neither of us were."

"But we are now."

"Yeah." Remus held his hand up, spread his fingers wide, and Sirius, fitting his alongside. They fit perfectly, and Sirius felt that same happiness as earlier--the joy that radiated off of Remus--fill him and the past didn't matter for just a moment, and the future seemed limitless.


End file.
